why didn’t i?

1) didn’t think it was my time or the gun would have shot without me pulling the trigger.

2) i believe ppl when they say i’ll do great things and i want to see what great things i’ll do.

3) the final. i want to see you in person one more time.

Photographs and Memories

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these
To remember you

Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day
When I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldnt say good-bye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just cant be true
Thats all Ive left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh how I loved you then

shot gun blues

you might have thought that that statement was a little dramtic and etc. but was it? you were talking to a guy who had a loaded shot gun(my shot gun) sitting under his chin while he debated on weather it was worth it or not. now tell me how dramtic that was.

so its been about 4 days since we decided that a friendship wasn’t going to work. i can’t do anything or go anywhere and not think about you. today i was driving through downtown and it just felt like you were there holding my hand, but when i looked over and saw no one there i just felt like shooting myself. i miss you so much and i miss all the good times we had.

so here in the past few days i havn’t been eating. i’ve had one small thing thats it. everytime i think about food i feel like i’m going to i throw up. i can barely sleep still. my life is fucked. i can’t do my daily tasks. i can’t focus on anything. i’m still trying to figure out why i’m still sitting here. i’m sorry if i’m being selfish.

all i’ve wanted for the past 9 months is to be with you forever. and i know i did wrong but thats all i still want. i’m sorry. i truely am. as slim is this may be i all i want is a second chance and i’ll do everything i can to the book. doesn’t everyone deserve a 2nd chance. i know i’ll never fully have your trust anymore and that is perfectly ok with me. i love you i truely do.

why?

Why Why Why Why. honestly idk why i did it. i knew you were going to find out. i knew it was going to kill me. i guess i just wasn’t thinking. of course thats a dumb reason. but honestly i remember that day its just a big blur thta i want to get ride of. that age old question comes into play here. If you could go back in time and change something what would it be? i now have an answer. i would go back and change july 29.

i know your going to need time and i understand that i’m going to give you that. and trust me your not the only one that wants to die. i fucked up the biggest part of my life. i hurt the only thing that has made me happy for 9 months, now i just wanna crawl in a fucking hole and stay there till the world ends. i’m really sorry and if you can’t/won’t be my friend i completely understand. i also completely understand that you’ll never trust me again, i doubt that i’ll ever trust me again. Everytime i said I Love You it always came from the bottom of my heart.

Fucked

So I officially fucked up i my life more than I ever thought was fucking possible. This could end up being a suicide note I’m not sure yet. the chances are looking in the favor. I make a lot of checks my body just can’t cash and this is no exception. I made apromise and broke it.this promise wasto the gilr I love. She had and still has my heart.see she is in peru at the moment and I promised her that I wouldn’t do anything we hadn’t done and that was my plan. Then it happened. I got caught up in the moment and ended up going further than I did with her. I didn’t have sex. I got and gave head. No biggy right? Wrong. Majorly wrong. she found out about it. I was going to tell her but she found out first. She hates my guts and I can respect that I hate my guts too. I have absolutely no chance with her anymore at all she made that perfectly clear. I love her to death. I miss her so much right now. i honestly just want to see her face one more time and beg for forgiveness but that won’t happen ever.  If this doesn’t end upto be a suicide note then I’m definity giving up my life I’m never going out with anyone again. i’m going to be a hermit. And completely gay forever. If she is reading this I’m really and truly sorry and I still respect your wishes enough to never talk to you again if you don’t want it and will never even look your way. I love you and I’m sorry.

 

 

 

goodbye